hello tumblr my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again.
i know that they say your 20s are meant to be a time of great emotional upheaval. a time where your heart pitches about on the tempestuous sea of adulthood, crashing into others marooned in a perfect storm of student loan debt, personal loss, and insatiable desire.
and that is kind of where I find myself. I feel trapped beneath the weight of the loss of my best friend Andrew and the impending loss of my father. I pitch between the two, trying to run away from one only to inevitably run into the other, as if trapped between two walls growing ever nearer with no route of escape.
whenever I feel ready to move past Andrew’s death, there comes another occasion to remind me of it. his family is doing a memorial for him next month and I will be there. I don’t want to not go. It’s important that I be there. but this will be the third time since his passing that I will make a trip to Boston. and a part of me wants to be done with it. to not go. because I want to be able to just move on right now. and to continually be in this stage of my grief doesn’t really allow me to do that. I’m not sure how I feel about feeling that. but there it is.
and then there’s my dad. it is at the point now that when my sister Katherine or my mom asks me if I want to talk to him on the phone and I almost just want to say no. because I know I will not like how it will go. he still said “Hey Charlie” the way he always does, but beyond that he really didn’t say anything at all. I’ll ask him questions or try to talk to him, but he doesn’t respond. And yet he still doesn’t really want to give the phone back. it feels like the ship is leaving and he’s hanging his arm out, trying to grab me, only my arm’s not long enough, I can’t reach him and instead I just watch him sail away from me where I can’t bring him back.
you know what? I’m ready for this to be done. I’m ready to not feel this way. to not cry in my bedroom on a Saturday night, alone, and surrounded by a clutter of dirty clothes, receipts, and a still-yet-to-be-unpacked suitcase. I know that neither Andrew nor my dad would want it to be this way either. I want to just like, be happy. maybe it’s as simple as just making the decision to be that way.
I want to be able to make that decision. someday soon.
completely agree with my friend Jocelyn. no means no.
This is difficult to write and I don’t know how to start this. I don’t really know why (wait, yes I do: fear of being judged, told I should have done things differently, that I was asking for it, or that I’m looking for attention, and so on), but it’s hard and I’m struggling. I want to get it out…
- No means no.
This is difficult to write and I don’t know how to start this. I don’t really know why (wait, yes I do: fear of being judged, told I...
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